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Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Dear Self

It'd be totally okay if you started feeling sick.  In fact, please do, because as stupid as this sounds, feeling fine is making me feel like a crazy person.  I still just assume this pregnancy is over already.  I have my 12-week appointment next week and I'm trying to locate my sanity, and I'm pretty sure it went on a hike.  No amount of reminding myself that I've seen the heartbeat twice makes me feel any better.

This ends the broadcast in which, hopefully for the last time, I ask to feel sick.  Even just a little.

(But not that norovirus.  No thanks.)

14 comments:

  1. You and baby will be fine. Keep believing. I'll do it for you.
    I know it's hard. I know the fear. But, not feeling sick is also normal. I read in a book that women not getting morning sickness might mean that you are very healthy and well nourished (if you like I can go look the quote for it)

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    1. Thank you lady. I'd love to think it's because I'm healthy! All my mostly-vegetarianism could really get me way up there on my high horse that way! ;)

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    2. I am ages late here, but the quote comes from the book : "Optimum nutrition before, during and after pregnancy" by Patrick Holford and Susannah Lawson. I am currently re-reading the parts that concern breastfeeding, so I searched the quote for you and here it is:

      "HCG is produced by the developing placenta from the moment of conception and usually reaches its peak around nine to ten weeks after the last period, before declining by week fourteen to sixteen, In very undernourished mothers HCG may not be produced in sufficient quantities at all, which may explain why women who miscarry early on are less likely to experience any pregnancy sickness. Conversely, very well-nourished women appear to ride the storm of these hormonal changes with little or no symptoms of nausea at all" .

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    3. Aw, thank you for this. I was reading "Expecting Better" by Emily Oster the other day and it kept raving that "the sicker the better" and all that, and I was ready to throw it across the room, because I feel fiiiiiine! Thank you. :)

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    4. Oh Emily Oster... I have yet to write a long long rant about her. You can not apply economic analyses principles to medicine, and basically, she kind of has no idea what she is saying. Don't listen to her!

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    5. Yeah, some of what she said made sense, but other things made me shake my head. In all, I think it's an *interesting* read, but not prescriptive. If anything, it should be used as a jumping off point in asking questions to a doctor, but definitely not a method of self-care.

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  2. Confession: I got nervous every time they listened for the heartbeat. And I get nervous any time I wake up before her, and I have to check the video monitor to make sure she's okay. And I'll probably get nervous when she's in college and I wake up in the middle of the night and don't know where she is. If you had told me a couple of years ago that I would ever feel this way about someone, I would have laughed at you. Pregnanthood / motherhood is a weird, weird, wonderful thing. Not trying to apply my experience to everyone else on the planet, just thought I should share.

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    1. Both times so far I'm sure I've looked visibly pale as they puttered about. "JUST CHECK OK GET IT OVER WITH" I want to say. It's silly -- people are like, oh you'll cry when you see it/hear it and NOPE. I'm just like PHEW STILL THERE OK because I'm so incredibly nervous that this is all too good to be true (IVF never works the first time, it's a big test run to see what works for your body etc so the SECOND time it'll go more smoothly, etc -- all that crap prepares you for imminent failure).

      I'm probably crazy for life at this point. Hopefully in a wonderful/weird way.

      Thank you. :)

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  3. Fetal doppler. That thing is the only reason I didn't go to the mental hospital during pregnancy.

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    1. I may have to bite the bullet and do it. I feel like a nut.

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    2. Don't buy one yet! My midwives couldn't find a heartbeat on the fetal doppler until my 18 week appointment, and I don't want you to get more upset if you don't hear it now. At this point the little bugger is tiny and can hide easily. (Cue me at my 14 week appointment freaking out while they track down an ultrasound to find that heartbeat.) I'm glad you go back next week. Hearing that sound really is when you get to exhale.

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    3. Oh definitely -- I'm waiting until after this appointment, and then am gonna hold out a little longer, then probably go for it then. :)

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  4. Curran here: I remember being terrified every time I went to the bathroom when I was pregnant with Cedar because I kept on having complications with him. At 20 weeks, I was bleeding. Your fears and anxieties are perfectly normal and understandable. You have dealt with some very difficult problems in the past. As much as you can, you need to find a way not to stress and just experience each day as it presents itself.

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    1. I'm definitely trying to not think about it too much -- luckily I'm exhausted, so going to bed at 9 means I only have a few hours after work in which to really worry, and at work I can kind of tune it out. :P

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