Abyss of the disheartened no kidding

abyss of the disheartened : IV by Heather Landis

Every so often Patrick and I have little detox venting sessions on our back balcony.  They usually go something like this:

-Heavy sigh
-List of reasons why this is all unfair (we are young; both come from historically big families; we are good people?)
-List of reasons why we need things to happen sooner rather than later (ridiculous US FMLA/leave regulations that leave me potentially stranded in this job for "fear" of getting pregnant and needing the benefits and not wanting to get a new job that wouldn't give me those until being with the new place for a year; aging parents; etc)
-Heavy sigh
-List of stupid things people say, list of stupid things we say, list of stupid things we feel (with all of our friends having babies, are we missing the "baby train" within our little community?  No.  I guess not.  But it feels that way.); frustrations of this turning into the elephant in the room
-Finish drinks

What do you say when a friend (doesn't read this blog, at least I don't think so -- and if she does, I love her very much and she knows that) says in response to your disheartened infertility frustrations that she would happily carry a kid for you if you couldn't do it?  Because it is a lovely sweet thing to say.  But how do you reply carefully that the idea of that being my option is devastating to me.  Not personally, but situationally.  It's not just wanting a kid -- it's wanting having a baby myself.  Just me and my husband.  Not me, my husband, and my friend.  And I know lots of people, particularly in the GLBT community, have to do things that way.  But I feel like at least that's understood when you have a relationship that's same-sex -- from the getgo I guess you sort of know that if kids are going to happen it's going to be atypical (???).  With me, that's a big psychological U-turn to approach -- I'm not there yet, but I don't want to get there.

Nothing personal.  But I don't want this to be a community event.

And how do you explain that we cannot "just adopt" ($$$$$) (also, sociological/emotional ramifications of all parties involved = big, big undertaking) -- and that I don't know if I could ever be emotionally tough enough for fostering (I grew up knowing people who went that route and it looked like a never-ending emotional and legal battle every.single.day).  Nobody wants to say that because I guess it could be construed as saying "I don't know if I'd be a good parent" but that's not it -- I don't know if I'd be a good foster parent, just thinking about my own self -- could I love somebody and risk losing them every day?  Could I foster/adopt knowing there's potentially a parent out there who wants them?  And of course, we come back to the problem of being young.  From reading, I don't know if we'd even be eligible to adopt right now.  If we'd be passed over.

Invasive infertility treatments?  I don't think my insurance would cover it.  And we don't even have the recommended three months of living expenses in savings -- we certainly can't blow that all on a chancey treatment.

I think part of the trouble is finding people my age who are also going through this IRL.  My groups of friends can be put into these boxes:
-Single/casual relationship peeps/people not anywhere near kidlet-having
-Married people having babies*
-People who have kids

While this is all fine and dandy, it's hard to find people in the same situation.  I can certainly talk about it with other people, but it's not...the same, I guess, is what I'm trying to say?

Part of the problem in finding others is that it's not something people talk about.  There are tons of people who don't know we're going through this -- it creates this problem of what we perceive to be stupid questions (you guys having kids soon?? Better get on that!  Gotta try more than once!), even when the people asking don't know because we haven't shared.  And because we're young (25/28) I think we're a smaller subset in our peer group than we would be if we were 35/38.

In short, it's kind of lonely.  (Online peeps going through this stuff, ILU.  Thank goodness for the internet.)

On the bright side, if I do get pregnant one of these months, the longer it takes the more likely it'll be to have a kid not in winter.  I like throwing outdoor parties so this is a Serious Timing Concern.  ;)


* I am super stoked for this.  I think it's really hard to convey that a) I am sincerely happy for people and excited to tickle baby toes because HELLO BABY FEETS and b) I'm going through my own issues that make me self-absorbed about my own frustrations baby-wise and c) B does not negate A or make my happiness less than sincere.

Week in Review: Snakes and Saints

This week...

Animaletters | Snake by Isabel Urbina

There were snakes in the library!

I finished reading Ten Thousand Saints.  Isn't the UK cover (top) better?  Why are UK covers almost always better?  I am always a sucker for simple + typography.  Also, I never quite got the design decision to use the little stars as transition-filler-pieces (is there a name for that in a book?  Like when you use characters to create a little bridge between sections?  There must be a term for that.)...why not use, say, xxx instead?  Or maybe I'm being too simplistic.  Too literal. 

Anyway, it was an okay read.  My GoodReads review:

Straight-edge-punk-rock-drugs-sobriety-teen-pregnancy-Hare-Krishna-adoption-fetal-alcohol-syndrome-overdosing-AIDS-pot-homelessness-riots-mosh-pits-mushrooms-gay/straight-marrying-Jeezum-Crow.

Say it all really fast and if doing so doesn't seem like too much for a story, then you'll probably like this. If it seems like a bit much, then you might want to put it back on the shelf, or read it in small doses. It's good, but there's a lot going on, and with so many different threads, some of the characters get a little lost in the shuffle along the way. 

This week I also...

Card Catalog by Edward Ilsen

Got an A in my cataloging course!  I also got an A in my History and Culture of Youth Services course, but that was sort of a given.  And okay, cataloging class had nothing to do with ye olde fashioned card catalog above, it's all fancypants coding and such these days.  But that's not as pretty or hipsterific.  

And finally...

photo by Dixie Donuts

Dixie Donuts opened up within walking distance from my house with their delicious $1 donuts.  I had apricot cardamom yesterday and peach cobbler today.  With Dixie Donuts and the Don't Look Back taco bar and Bev's ice-cream with their basil and lavender/berry flavors, I am going to be poor forever.  But happy gastronomically, of course.  

Earning your MLIS online in Virginia

Earning Your MLS Online on Prezi

Hey! What a handy little overview to obtaining your Master of Library and Information Science degree when you're in Virginia and there aren't any American Library Association (ALA) accredited programs in the state!

Southern summertime in May

Honeysuckle and the smell of neon green; sticky paint and projects; Mexican coke in glass; the heat palpable, the constant panting of dogs the new metronome of summertime.

Friday Flip-Through: The Pregnancy Project

Okay, okay, 16 and Pregnant & Teen Mom = fish, barrel.  However, as fun as it is (GUILTY PLEASURE), today's post is about something similar but different: The Pregnancy Project.  I liked The Pregnancy Project at first, but it kept slipping down my star-chart from three stars (okay) to two (um, alrighty then) down to one (whatisithis).  In The Pregnancy Project, Gaby Rodriguez and her ghostwriter Jenna Glatzer tell the story of how Rodriguez faked a pregnancy for her senior project as a social experiment.  AKA, in a nutshell, she trolls her school.

SOME POINTS AND STUFF:

1. The entire first half of this book is backstory that could and should have been seriously edited down. For example, the whole Quinceañera chapter could go.

Basically:
Pages 1-95 : backstory.
Pages 96-163 the project (in full).
Pages 164-218 her foray into mass media when her project went viral, and how she'll spend her royalty money (but she didn't do this for the money!) (the lady doth protest too much, methinks). The royalty money bits really scream immature author and lazy editor.  Just because you got paid a lot of money for this doesn't mean you tell your readers that in the final chapter, crowing over the new car you want to buy.  Just, no.  Everyone knows royalties are a part of publishing, but yikes.  Also, including random anonymous internet comments from people who criticized you and then saying "Uh....yeah, right" as a response in your book just solidifies the image of you trollin'.

2. Rodriguez visits Planned Parenthood and immediately feels qualified to judge their statistical data that they present without providing anything to back her claim. Visiting PP had a lot of potential, but she scurries right out of there, losing an opportunity to talk more about the issues she seems concerned about (teen pregnancy etc).  Funnily, Rodriguez herself presents no data to back up her own claims throughout the book (note the quote at the end of this post, holy cow girl).

3. The book is pretty much what you'd expect a book written by a high-schooler to be like. It's to-the-point and the ghost-writing didn't help all that much. Had Rodriguez been a more experienced sociologist and researcher this might have been a deeper story, but as it is, it's straightforward and full of family stuff that is unnecessary. (See point one.)  And while there are TONS of random bits of family history, when it comes to the actual project, we get six quotes of gossip that she overheard that she presents in  her final project, one or two short notes about family reactions, and mostly not much else.  I wanted drama!  I wanted tearful conversations about how she's ruining her life!  I wanted parental meetings and the whole shebang!  In the end when it's revealed she was faking it, we just get a one-sentence note about her boyfriend's parents saying good, glad you guys get to go to college after all.

4. This reads like a glorified school project. Which, well, it pretty much is. I would have liked to see Rodriguez delve into more research on the topic (and there are definitely scholarly works out there!). But that would have required more experience. I almost want to say that she should have drafted this, then waited until after a first year of college or so to publish it after finding a sociology mentor/someone who could guide her into making it more than just a high school presentation.

5. The part of the book that actually details the project is very skimpy on the details. Since she relied on her friend to channel gossip back to her, there's very little meat to the story beyond 'I felt bad that people were staring' and 'People were MEAN and judged me!' Then it gets a little preachy saying that it's mean to be judgmental and teen moms need support (true, but simplistic) and that people shouldn't tell the teen dad how horrible it's going to be 100% of the time (true, but simplistic again).  There are a lot of statements she makes based off of her meager observations that she extends to the greater population and I'm not sure that's the best scientific approach. There's very little about the project itself and a whole lot of family background and feeeeeeelings -- I was expecting much more about the project and less about her siblings. In other words, high school level work. I'm sure the publication of this book will ensure her acceptance to many colleges after she finishes her first year at the one she was already accepted at, and that's great. Hopefully she'll be able to hone her project and writing skills to produce better work later.

For a high school reader, I'd give it two stars. For an adult reader, I give it one and a half, maybe.  It's YA nonfiction and should be viewed as such, and not as totally scientific.

SOME QUOTES AND STUFF:

"There was one morning in March before school that I'm not proud of, when I snapped at my mom. My fake belly was not behaving anymore, and she was trying and trying to fix it so the wires wouldn't stick into me and the clay would stay put, but I was running late to class and had to go.


'Just leave it!' I yelled. 'Forget it!'


Then I got into an argument with Jorge, and I just got mad at God for letting this be so hard. 'Where are you?' I prayed. "I don't want to go through this anymore. You're supposed to ease my burdens when it's too much to take. Well, it's too much to take now! I'm tired of feeling like this.'"

Yes, your self-selected "social experiment" high school project is so hard that it's causing you to have a crisis of faith. That's all we get on that though. It's like she wanted some angst, so tossed it in there. Keep in mind, she wasn't actually pregnant, and never had to go through the emotional turmoil of finding financial support and making those types of plans. Perspective, girl. Perspective.  Granted, she does mention that she needed to gain some perspective, but it ultimately comes across as more whiny when the page space could have been used to document the project more extensively.  How did she tell her boyfriend's parents, for example?  We don't even get that.

Another quote:


"If the mom feels depressed and unsupported, how is she going to do a good job taking care of her baby? Depressed moms don't take care of themselves, let alone their kids. They end up resenting their kids and often not bonding with them, which means the kids don't feel safe and loved."

That's a pretty big generalization there, one that I think a LOT of people who are parents who struggle with depression would balk at. Having depression does not mean you're not a good parent, or your kids are resented and unloved, and the fact that this is in the book with no supporting data/references again shows the lack of editorial oversight. Gaby can be forgiven -- but the ghostwriter and the editor should really have gone through to take a look at Gaby's statements.  Rodriguez isn't a child psychologist or attachment parenting or medical expert.  Like, at all.  Geez louise.

BOBBLE

Solar-powered bobblehead corgi = best anniversary gift ever, right?  I pretty much died.

Elroy!

Homeschoolers and the Library

Homeschoolers & the Library on Prezi

Recently I did an ethnography project on homeschooling subculture and library usage, and rather than let it languish unloved on Prezi (all alone and sad), I figured I'd let it, well, languish here too.  But hey!  Maybe someone out there in Internet Land is looking for information about homeschooled students and how they utilize the public library, in which case, hello, intrepid homeschool library usage anthropologist!  Welcome to your jackpot!  (Note that you can see some of the text waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better where it's stored on Prezi since you can view it in fancypants full-screen mode over thar.)

Also, if you have never seen Prezi before...HOW COOL IS PREZI, IS IT NOT BLOWING YOUR MIND MASS?