I have the cutest baby, and also my house is a wreck. That pile used to be my desk! What am I doing about it? Lounging on the bed with my laptop and baby instead. Sometimes you just have to lean into the mess, right? It'll get clean again someday.
I started back to work on Thursday which was okay. On Thursdays my library system is closed at the branch level so librarians have an admin day at our big main branch where we can have our all-day meetings with everyone present. So as far as transition days go, it was the best choice for a day to go back. The big main branch is also significantly closer to my parents' house, which made dropping off/picking up Freddie a fairly ok piece of cake (box mix cake if you will). Friday, however, was a more accurate picture of what the majority of my workdays are going to be like: 5:45 alarm clock (though really I was up at 4 to nurse and never got back to sleep), yet STILL found myself rushing to get out the door at 7 so I could get Freddie to my mom at 7:45 so I could then drive from there to get to work at 9. It's a driving triangle, with every point 45 minutes away from the other two points.
I'm driving 90-100 miles a day if I don't make any other stops. Of course I knew this all in theory before when planning this out, but the functioning-on-4-or-5-hours-of-sleep factor wasn't quite as.....real then. That commute when you're exhausted and already massively anxious about driving with the baby = perfect storm for a truly beaten-down Hayley by sundown Friday.
It's tough because right now, most stuff falls to me by default, whether by nature (nursing), geography (commute), or bad luck (I'm having some supply issues, which means Patrick giving the baby a bottle at night isn't a good solution right now). Patrick could take Freddie to my parents in the morning, but somehow I keep thinking this is less than ideal because he has to get to work at 8:30, whereas my job starts at 9, and he'd have to drive with the worst traffic in the morning headed back towards the city after dropping her off, whereas I drive against traffic for all of my morning. Would him taking the morning drop-off some days wear me out less? Yes...in theory. But if I'm already waking up that early, then I come back around to "is it really worth it having two people up this early instead of one?" argument. So, once again I fall back on me driving being the best option. He's going to pick her up whenever I'm at the branch that's less close to my parents' house, so that'll be helpful on a two-weeks-on/two-weeks-off schedule based on what branch I'm working at certain weeks. And he'll pick her up every Tuesday when I work late. And Thursdays are easier because I'm at the branch that's close to my parents.
So I just have to keep reminding myself that not every day will be as grueling as Friday was. I just have to keep remembering that this will get easier. I will try to trade my car in this winter for something that is a little less scary to drive a baby around in (I have a tiny Chevy Aveo hatchback right now...think Geo Metro and it's pretty close to that; I desperately miss my Volvo station wagon from my college years and want to go back to something like that). And eventually Freddie's happy/sad mood schedule will shift (I hope). Right now, she's usually happy during the day, and then epically sad around 7 or 8...so right when I get her back from my mom. I miss having some time with a happy baby! So I hope this shifts and I don't just get a sad baby for all the time slots I have her during the workweek :'(
This too shall pass. I am so lucky to live reasonably close to family so that my mom can take her during the day. I know it's quite a shift for her too to suddenly be taking care of a baby all day! And everyone has been so kind in helping us out and bringing us meals and understanding when I leave a library program craft item in my car by accident because I'm a bit loony right now (see: commute + lack of sleep!). I know this is a transitional phase right now. It has to get better. It will get better. The problem is that it's very, very hard to see this rationally at 6AM when I've been up for 2 hours already.
This will pass.
Until then, nachos in bed with SNL are a great balm. That's the problem with giving up on regular TV watching. When I fall off the wagon I fall hard. Full-on nachos-in-bed hard. Oh well. Again...leaning into the mess here!
*snuggles babe* Worth it.