So much programming! And with that comes a certain amount of marketing. My goal for 2015 is to learn how to do some basic quilting, and I decided English paper piecing would be a good place to start. And what better way to force yourself to learn how to do something than to plan a teen library program about that thing? Behold, both my first attempt at paper piecing, and my marketing-to-teens effort, all in one fell swoop! I'm kind of proud of it. BEHOLD MY CREATION!
(The larger original HD version looked prettier, but still! Also, it's been edited to remove my personal library's information.)
I've had several people ask me about my organizational skills at work lately, which leaves me quietly chuckling and shaking my head because I am running on so little sleep these days that to do anything less than color-code every aspect of my work would leave me with a messy mess of messiness. This is not a humble-brag. At least, I don't think it is. I don't think I've done anything exceptional! Color coded documents and Wunderlist are how I survive. Also coffee. Now I know why offices have those terrible coffee pods: because when you're legit tired all the time, you don't care how bad the coffee is.
We tried taking family photos for Christmas cards. I think there's a law that says babies will only smile when it's sure to be out of focus. Behold, outtakes!
Hah! Out of focus or not, we have a good time, we three.
Freddie had her 4-month appointment and I've started supplementing formula. It's been emotionally tough (whole lotta guilt, however unnecessary it is) but I also want an alive baby, so if I can't give her as much as she needs from me, this is how it has to be. I tried my best. As the pediatrician pointed out, trying anything more than what I was doing was going to stress me out further and pretty much negate the whole point. On the bright side, it means Patrick can take over a night feed now, so maybe I will get just a little more sleep.
It has warmed the cockles of my cold cold heart to see the way people react to Patrick in public when he's carrying her. He's always elicited raised eyebrows, side-eyes, and general weirded-out shifty-eyed looks because he's this grungy beardy scruffy guy who may have a smokes hookup (answer: no, he doesn't). But put a red-haired charming baby in his hands and POOF, old people are smiling at him and people see him in this whole other light. It is a palpable change. I've gone grocery shopping with this guy who gets the stink-eye for his appearance often enough to notice when it suddenly disappears! The suspicious "is this guy high?" (answer: no) side-eyes are entirely gone when he's with her. He's told me plenty of times he loves taking Freddie out with him because of the different attention. It's kind of adorable. Plus, I think they're both in love:
Parenthood is exhausting. But my heart feels so full. Like the feeling of cooking a big meal, and then being sated by it (gee, timely simile?). I snatch the quiet moments when I can. I'm slowly reading adult books between the board books. It's funny and probably telling that I don't have a lot to say in this third section of this hodgepodge entry. Am I disappearing into parenthood? I don't think so. But I am awfully tired. I think the tiredness is what makes me not want to do as much, not any newfound lack of caring. If anything, I feel really comfortable in this parental role. I feel like this is a skin I can live in, this mama skin. But sure, sometimes my greatest joy is taking a hot shower with some rose jam. My interests and thoughts about complicated things have been put on hiatus. Patrick and I went out to the Magpie two weeks ago and at first I was like, dude, I can't even think of things to say besides "I AM SO TIRED." But real thoughts...they will come back eventually, when this heady newborn time has passed. Oh god, she's 4.5 months, is it gone already?! Anyway. Until someday a little later when I'm less immediately tired, I'll take pleasure in the little things: hot rose-scented showers, a new coat, those Trader Joe's sweet potato biscuits. Small pleasures to tide me over until I can get my brain working regularly and can articulate things better, and can in general be a full human again. I'm still getting my sea-legs.
Oh yeah and sometimes I almost get eaten by pilgrim chipmunks.